Appreciating Pastoral Spouses

            When I first asked me wife on a date in college she politely told me she didn’t want to date a theology major. I could tell she wanted to blow me off. So I told her that I played the piano and that she didn’t have to. She laughed and went on a date with me anyway. Fortunately for me she continued to spend time with me as we fell in love. I knew she was someone who passionately loved Jesus, but at the same time she knew even better than I did because she came from a family of pastors and church employees how difficult ministry could be.

            I have had many people ask me how long I plan to stay in my pastoral district. I’ve always said that the decision would not be up to me. What surprises me is that most church members think of my spouse as simply the “pastor’s wife” not realizing that she has her own career, educational, and other life goals apart from my ministerial identity. So I’ve always said that we will know it is time to move on when my wife says it is time to go.

            With that being said, in the past two years I’ve been surprised with some of the very nice gestures, as well as some of the rude things, that my spouse has had to put up with. I’d like to highlight both. When I asked my wife what was the way she could feel best supported, she quickly replied, “be nice.” Whether it is people calling in the middle of the night because they discovered an Ellen White quote that just couldn’t wait until the morning, or yelling at her for the way her husband voted at a board meeting, she doesn’t need to be the verbal punching bag. On the other hand we’ve had a church member who has regularly called my wife to take our two-year old daughter on play dates, which has given her a much-needed break. So, with some guidance from my wife and other pastoral spouses, here is a top-ten list:

(1) Don’t offer parenting advice.

(2) Don’t share with them every bad thing you’ve heard about the pastor

(3) Offer to help the pastor’s spouse when they are trying to watch their kids

(4) Of course the idea of a fantasy vacation would be something nice, but nothing is better than just being nice all the time.

(5) Don’t drop by the pastor’s house uninvited and expect to be entertained (at least call ahead!)

(6) Don’t call at unearthly hours unless it truly is an emergency

(7) Encourage the pastor to take at least a day off once a week to spend time with their family

(8) If your pastoral family has young children, offer to babysit, or form a network of support so that your pastor and his spouse can go out on a romantic date

(9) Every pastoral spouse has a different “love language” so discover how your pastoral spouse best feels affirmed, and whether that is a gift or quality time, do something nice once in a while so they know that they are appreciated, too. Notice some of the things that he or she does and affirm them.

(10)               Be nice to the pastor. Few people better understand just how hard the pastor works than the pastoral spouse who sees the long and late hours. The pastor’s wife is involved in ministry, even if not involved in title, by helping to actively support and make it possible for the pastor to do his or her job.